I had it. It may have only been for the briefest of moments. But. It was there. It was real. It was mine. What was it? I haven't a fucking clue. I can't search for the words to describe it's taste to you.
I've always had trouble with metaphors, words and phrases because I translate them literally. So when (not if) you the reader encounter a word you know, don't know or think you know. If there's any questions or doubt. Look it up. Words have meaning and they tend to be the spells we cast upon each other with or without knowing it.
The easiest way to explain it would be that those around me had put me into a mold. They had a structured idea of who I was, or rather, who they perceived me to be and I wasn't to break from that mold. If I did, I was quickly put back into it, where I belonged in their mind. I know it wasn't a conscious action. They were just comfortable with me being where they needed me at that time and didn't want it to change. Because this change would result in a catastrophic failure of their predisposed ideas and notions of who I was and should be as they saw me.
I moved away from that environment almost 5 years ago. For a variety of reasons, however, I consider this to be a rather important aspect that helped me break free of that mold. Moving to an entirely different state. Away from my family, lifelong friends and everything I knew. Dropping myself in an area where nobody knew me. The most shattering and freeing thing of this was that nobody had any preconceived notions or ideas of who I was. No neat little mold. Nothing. I would say I was finally was able to be free and myself, however, that's cliche as fuck and not quite what happened.
In fact. I was just shoved into yet another box, or rather, boxes. Ones that were more palatable for the mass of humans I've met since my incursion south. (Yes get a dictionary and look up the words. They have meaning.) They needed a tangible reason that was able to justify, reason and elucidate the seemingly randomness of my appearance in an area I never had any intention of surviving to. (More on that later. Or never.) Most claim some type of divine intervention, others call upon the Hebrew or Christian God and that it was his will to guide me here.
That's fine and dandy. Now many of you will justify my existence in any way that helps you reason out my bizarre elucidations. Then some of you might actually pay attention to my play on words and structure and repetition. Some may not.
I suppose you could say the taste I held for the briefest of moments was freedom. Or was it? Was it possibly the illusion of freedom I'd given myself, to break free of the preconceived notions and boxes I'd been placed in.....to be what I thought was myself? Or did I place myself in them. Unknowingly shoving the very fabric of my being into a container that was impenetrable and just blamed those around me?
Regardless of the outcome. Nobody can say for certain. However, this is the best I can do to describe to you the most fleeting of feelings and thoughts that reside inside a domain that most of you would describe as an unattainable hellish nightmare, that none of you would even entertain the idea of stepping inside and experiencing. This is the smallest glimpse of thoughts that pervade me.
I struggle with it and some days I feel like I've failed.
Not only myself, but those around me, because of the box we place ourselves in......
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