First off. Those of you that know me, know that what I'm about to say isn't meant to be harsh or rude. But. Before, during or after you read this....don't tell me, don't console me and ffs don't tell me happy Father's day. I don't want to relive today with every conversation. I don't want to be reminded of this via a text or notification while I'm in the middle of something and have a panic attack because I may break down.
Anyways. I'd say enjoy. But. I know a lot of you won't.
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Fuck this whole day
This is for the fathers who fought and lost. The ones who were silenced. The ones who don't know if they can go on. This is for all the fathers who had to excuse themselves to be alone to silently cry because you miss your kids so much it tears you apart. For the fathers who feel lost, afraid and alone. The ones who didn't give up on life because they lost hope. The ones who smile and say thank you when they hear "happy Father's day" even when they want to scream at the people who say it that "it'll never be happy again. It'll never be my day again. That was taken from me"
You're not alone. You never were. A piece of you is missing that you think you'll never get back. It's true, that it will never be replaced, but it isn't the end and nor should it be.
Writing is supposed to be exposing yourself or revealing some hidden truths or "insert-wtf-you-want" here. So I guess I'll get to it. This is quite possibly the hardest thing I've written. As I write, my mother is messaging me about the girls and my daughters are messaging me about school and life (for the first time. Ever. More on that never) and my girlfriend is messaging telling me how she looks forward to this weekend (and she has no idea how much I need her or how she got me thru this without even knowing). I say nothing. Not because I can't or refuse to. Because I don't know how. I don't know how to tell people that I'm so hurt and upset every day that i throw myself into whatever task is at hand full throttle just to stop the pain and torment. I don't know how to express the fact that I had to hide in the bathroom, pretending to shit, while my body was racked with silent sobs, hoping that nobody would hear me or notice. Splashing cold water on my face and praying that I would be able to muster up the strength to push forward and keep pretending like everything is ok when in reality every text, comment and/or thought about my kids makes me want to just let it all go. Or die...
This message is for those fathers. The ones who feel they've failed, lost and can't go on anymore. You can. You will. You have to. You don't have a choice. There is no option. So suck it up buttercup and put that smile on. Your kids deserve it. No. They need it. They need to know that you're safe and will always be there. Even when you don't know how to feel safe anymore or if you'll be there in the morning....
So happy Father's day and may the bathroom fan hide your stifled tears. You're not alone, never have been and never will be.
You've got this. I've got this.
We've got this.
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