Please explain to me what sorrow is. Tell me why you lay awake at night, crying to whatever God you worship and cursing with the same breath the life given you. As you silently scream into your pillow, body wracked with sobs from deep within your soul and mind reeling from the hatred you've placed on yourself.
Know this. It's probably your own damn fault and if it's directly due to another human. Well. Then it very well could be partially your fault and then if it isn't stab them with a spoon. (I'm kidding. Don't do that. It would make a horrible mess 🤣)
I know in my case, the pain, torment and overpowering sense of worthlessness was my own doing. The ramifications of my decisions and actions can not be laid at anyone's feet other than my own. I chose the path I walked, nobody coerced me or anything of the sort. I made my decision, stuck with it through the shame and soul crushing desolation and mind shattering emotional pain. It broke me. More than once.
Long story short, I strayed from the path and fell into a way of life that was nothing short of harmful and had a severely detrimental effect on my physical and fragile emotional state.
Furthermore, my mental health and well being had plunged to depths I'd only read about or seen in other people. The kind of torment you can see brief flashes of across someone's face as they go on to tell you "they're fine" as their demons dance visions of trepidation to the sonnet of tragedy as the crescendo of shame sets fire to the landscape of their soul.
I wrote a great line because of it -
"I'm clinging to a knifes edge and I don't know if I can pull my self back up or if the cuts will be so deep I just let go"
I wrote that years ago and only recently shared it. Partially I didn't really like it and was ashamed because I wrote it completely blasted on heroin. Several other people read it and it resonated with them and they encouraged me to share it, originally it was part of another piece I was writing and now they've been merged
Not to mention the effect on those around me. So consumed with the brevity of life, I went into full blown survival mode. At the time I thought, no, I KNEW, the trajectory I'd been cruising on at mach 5 rendered me blissfully unaware of spiritual, emotional and mental havoc I not only caused but blindly sustained was moments from a collision of worlds. My relationship with sanity was fleeting and tenuous at best.
I've been wrestling with a close to this piece for months now. I know this doesn't wrap it up in a neat little package. I don't want that. I want the pain and torment fresh. I want the overwhelming despair to be tasted, because without it, we never truly learn to move forward and become the humans we're meant to be.
The sheer beauty in it's ugliness (Thanks T! 😘) is almost an assault on the mind and emotions. The attack I've laid out here on myself is so vicious and raw it causes the reader to empathize and hurt. That is part of my intentions with this. Not only to expose a nerve so raw that speaking of it can potentially bring me to tears, but, to make you the reader understand this - our choices, our sorrow, our hate. It's our own. It's a tangible and painful thing that we rarely express because "it hurts to much". Tough. I strive for. No. I crave understanding and the only way we can achieve that with each other is to learn to embrace ourselves and trust each other.
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